I turned into a monster!!! Literally!! Lets ignore that part....I did my frozen cycle around Dec 2012 i guess, and it was successful. I was confirmed pregnant and was asked to come back 1 week later for scanning. In between i had terrible cramps, similar like the contraction i had during the miscarriage....rushed to Sunway again but Dr.Wong said it would be much of a help to do anything now...Its too early now and i have started bleeding. He gave me a proluton shot and advised me to be on bed-rest...came back home and laid on the bed, hoping that the pain would vanish... It just got worst...arrrgggghhh!! its like something needed to come out...so, i slowly walked to the toilet and felt a pop while i was walking... sorry TMI....and something in a size of a ping-pong ball dropped out.. No, i didnt try to catch it... i was thinking, its better now than later.. and woooosh!! All of the sudden the pain vanished... I was pretty sure the sac came out and i miscarried.. However i was supposed to go in for a scan a week later ...
During the scan on 5 weeks....Dr.Wong saw a sac still attached , but he was not very sure as there was a lot of blood clots in the womb..he said, lets give it another week and see if the baby grows... So, i dragged another week...finally, it was confirmed that the sac crumpled.... and i should stop all medication so that i will eventually miscarry naturally...Ohw ya i forgot....i saw Kak Arena for the first time on this appoinmnt..of coz it was before "the news", We never met before but she has been guiding me and been a great support in times of me being down...The NEWS?????? Well, im ok with it... having lost a baby at 4 months is much worst than ths early miscarriage... Dr.Wong said , perhaps it was not a healthy baby....even if it were to grow, mite have been abnormal. So, i went back home and waited for the miscarriage to happen.. and finally i did.. after 2 weeks i think....
Was i sad?.......No!! better now than later kan!! So another miracle happened.. i started lactating.. which i found rather amusing... well, i surfed the net of course to make sure i have got "Gang" you see... hahaha!! Anyway i did not take dostinex this time, Dr.Wong advised me to put cabbage instead... As usual!! I did another fresh cycle (Third fresh IVF), and it was a failure. Dr.Wong was more disappointed than me i guess!! Hahaha..well, me!! I just gambled and lost my money, so my next step is to try again for my frozen cycle. Also, i had milk discharge every now and then since i miscarried... so Dr.Wong had my prolactin tested and it came back 50(i forgot the unit).. well, it was high for an unpregnant woman like me.... Started me on Dostinex for 2 month course...
I cant believe how dramatic my TTC life has been , and i was thanking God for making me his entertainment... Im not sure if God actually exist , but i will be glad if he is listening or watching. Anyway, i believe in fate and determination... Hubby said, he doesnt mind if all his earnings are used for us to get a baby... haha, now that he has mentioned, i will make sure till the last penny last.. hahhahahah!!! I am sure he did not mean it literally, what he meant was that i am going trough the physical and emotional part in this journey and all he can do is to support financially and emotionally... He has been my everything....i cannot deny on that!!.. Anyway, i have moved on now...
Whats next??? If i were to get pregnant again, i will announce after 3/4 months i think... No, its not a secret.. I am not the only pregnant woman on earth anyone could think of.... But it is really irritating to answer all those people.. im sure TTC'ian would undertsand.. I mean, whether the cycle is successful or not...its more stressful to tell people its was not....what if i succeed and miscarry early...then i need to face all those whom will be asking me "how many months now" questions with "no, it did not happen as planned"... So, to be in a safe zone.. i am not telling anyone i know...know as in know lar... whom i see everyday... till i hit 4 months maybe.,(some will be exception to this rule) :P Hmmmmmph!!... anyway...i pray that all those TTC mom's out there (yes u r a mom, because there are so many woman out there whom gave birth to a baby and didnt want the baby and to be called a mom)...Dont give up... if ths doesnt work, then its that.. if that doesnt work... its this again...haha...i believe in miracle. Take care.
Love,
V@tSy..
Thursday 23 May 2013
Tuesday 21 May 2013
Finally i am writing again.....with a smile.. ;-)
- I am not angry at GOD for having me to go trough a rough time, because i am sure he had his own plans.. which i will be glad if HE informs me firsthand somehow next time... ;-P.
- I am not angry at those whom neglected me when i needed them the most and those whom used my emotional set-downs as their opportunity to make me even miserable for their gains. It is not wrong, i understand that you were just being a human being. I take note on that. I was asking my self if i will offer a help to them again in future....The answer will be YES!!! Not because i am stupid , because i feel happy when i help others... But i will not....i repeat I WILL NOT put my happiness second to helping others.. i will do what i afford and will not push limits. I am brave enough to say sorry i had enough and walk away if others are trying to misuse my helping hands. I have learned to become reasonably selfish to an extend....
- I have learned not to judge people too quickly after having going trough hard times myself.. I listen to others more as they speak because sometimes that is all that they want....
- I realized that when i was depressed, i practically hated everything.... i get agitated for no reason at all.. i felt so stressed because this is not what i am.. All those negativity was because i was angry at myself for not being ME...
Sunday 23 September 2012
Depression after the Loss..
Well, i think i feel btr now dat i am ready to talk abt it.... I have been suffering from post-miscarriage depression after d loss... I hate to hear ppl say "Its ok", "Nvrmd , ur stil young", "bla bla bla"... Seriously, dats a nasty thng to say... Its not Ok!!.. I hate to talk or listen abt certain things, see certain ppl... and i block myslf from bein reached by everyone... i choose d ppl i want to talk to o share with..I can stay witout eating o drinking fr days wo even feeling hungry...i can stare at black space wo realising wat im actually seeing or thinkng..i cannot make simple decisions....i just cant....
And i get agitated when ppl talk abt certain thngs...ther r some super dumb ones yang asked me abt my weight loss... its like, i loss my baby and u ask me abt my weightloss... i can clearly see ur intention to ask.. its not out of care dat thy asked such question... its like...even after i answerd dat im back to my pre-pregnancy weight...thy went on asking what was my pre-pregnancy weight... Like WTF!! If you dont know what to talk... dont make yourself stupid..N d best part, as i was bz layaning my emotions n posting on facebook..... ppl terasa its fr em.. Leave me alone... Ur not on my shoes n im not bothering any1's life... its my facebook.. it feels gud to talk to a wall atleast n ppl had to choose to find fault on that... one after one problem.. my periods went crazy as well... I had high cortisol level due to my stress n depression n caused my period to comebck aftr stopin fr 4-5 days....n finally one of d gynea asked me to see to seek medical help... I have learned that when ppl loss something very precious to them... DO NOT TELL THEM ITS OK......and just tell them u have no words to console them but if they want to talk... ur all ears to them...Do not listen with the intention to reply... let them cry as much s they want!!.Cry till d tears r dry...hold teir hands n make them feel loved and cared... N most importantly.. Do not say stupid things...Dont knw wht to say, dun say anything at all.. let em do all d talking if ur willing to listen.. if u dont, leave them alone...sadly i was left dealing wt all ths alone coz i din wan to disturb any1 wt my problm.. alwz been lik dat..n i went into furthr isolation..D oli person i was comfortble bein wt is my husbnd...nt even my mum...
I went into denial, n d momen ppl say o do stupid things.. i block them out.. I dun wana talk o see deir face.. It feels awful..my husband use to be so bz with work..i hardly can talk or share my feelings with him cz he is also efftd wt wat happend.... n whenevr i cry, he asks me to stop crying cz he cannot see me cryin.It felt so tuff fr havin dealin wt all ts thing in my head...im alone at home n all i can think is hw i cud have preventd d accdnt frm hapening o hw many weeks i were if i was stil preg nw.. My god!!.. This is madness.....n finally whn d Dr diagnosed me wt d depression n referd me back to my gynea so dat he can futhr decide...my husband realised what i have been goin tru all tis whle.. n thank god he had fnshd all hs work dat he is finaly free fr me... Went for a crazy holiday ..Drove all d way to Hat Yai n thn to Krabi.... Its extreme..n d speed boat ride wit big waves made me fight all my fears and emotions...i had no choice to back off o run away bt to deal wt it right thr n thn...one journey made all d diffrnce n nw i feel more calm n i dun cry whn i talk abt it anymor... i have aceptd d loss n gained my senses...bt i hate bein left alone....i wana b accompanied by my husbnd all d time nw..Hmmm...thers alwiz a beautfl rainbow after a storm... Ive learn to deal wt my emotions nw..
So d lesson learned...take time to layan ur emotion....n let ppl talk n cry.. its ok to cry.... its not ok to say its ok... hahahha.. Crazy huh!!.. D best part abt ths whle period is dat , ive learned dat im a very weak person deep inside....n this incident made me strong..My mind knws dat d worst thing dat could happen to some1 is death... n it wil come eventually....deal wt it. It takes time for evrythng...healing emotionally as wel... n Love is everytng u ned to survive ths life....n money of cz. I have to thank god fr ths experience..Ive learned what worked and what failed.. I have realised who i hv by my side n who jz wish to watch frm far... I dont hate them, i oli choose to stay away frm them..sometime all sum1 ned is a big big hug...n a tissue box. :)
Love,
Vatsala
And i get agitated when ppl talk abt certain thngs...ther r some super dumb ones yang asked me abt my weight loss... its like, i loss my baby and u ask me abt my weightloss... i can clearly see ur intention to ask.. its not out of care dat thy asked such question... its like...even after i answerd dat im back to my pre-pregnancy weight...thy went on asking what was my pre-pregnancy weight... Like WTF!! If you dont know what to talk... dont make yourself stupid..N d best part, as i was bz layaning my emotions n posting on facebook..... ppl terasa its fr em.. Leave me alone... Ur not on my shoes n im not bothering any1's life... its my facebook.. it feels gud to talk to a wall atleast n ppl had to choose to find fault on that... one after one problem.. my periods went crazy as well... I had high cortisol level due to my stress n depression n caused my period to comebck aftr stopin fr 4-5 days....n finally one of d gynea asked me to see to seek medical help... I have learned that when ppl loss something very precious to them... DO NOT TELL THEM ITS OK......and just tell them u have no words to console them but if they want to talk... ur all ears to them...Do not listen with the intention to reply... let them cry as much s they want!!.Cry till d tears r dry...hold teir hands n make them feel loved and cared... N most importantly.. Do not say stupid things...Dont knw wht to say, dun say anything at all.. let em do all d talking if ur willing to listen.. if u dont, leave them alone...sadly i was left dealing wt all ths alone coz i din wan to disturb any1 wt my problm.. alwz been lik dat..n i went into furthr isolation..D oli person i was comfortble bein wt is my husbnd...nt even my mum...
I went into denial, n d momen ppl say o do stupid things.. i block them out.. I dun wana talk o see deir face.. It feels awful..my husband use to be so bz with work..i hardly can talk or share my feelings with him cz he is also efftd wt wat happend.... n whenevr i cry, he asks me to stop crying cz he cannot see me cryin.It felt so tuff fr havin dealin wt all ts thing in my head...im alone at home n all i can think is hw i cud have preventd d accdnt frm hapening o hw many weeks i were if i was stil preg nw.. My god!!.. This is madness.....n finally whn d Dr diagnosed me wt d depression n referd me back to my gynea so dat he can futhr decide...my husband realised what i have been goin tru all tis whle.. n thank god he had fnshd all hs work dat he is finaly free fr me... Went for a crazy holiday ..Drove all d way to Hat Yai n thn to Krabi.... Its extreme..n d speed boat ride wit big waves made me fight all my fears and emotions...i had no choice to back off o run away bt to deal wt it right thr n thn...one journey made all d diffrnce n nw i feel more calm n i dun cry whn i talk abt it anymor... i have aceptd d loss n gained my senses...bt i hate bein left alone....i wana b accompanied by my husbnd all d time nw..Hmmm...thers alwiz a beautfl rainbow after a storm... Ive learn to deal wt my emotions nw..
So d lesson learned...take time to layan ur emotion....n let ppl talk n cry.. its ok to cry.... its not ok to say its ok... hahahha.. Crazy huh!!.. D best part abt ths whle period is dat , ive learned dat im a very weak person deep inside....n this incident made me strong..My mind knws dat d worst thing dat could happen to some1 is death... n it wil come eventually....deal wt it. It takes time for evrythng...healing emotionally as wel... n Love is everytng u ned to survive ths life....n money of cz. I have to thank god fr ths experience..Ive learned what worked and what failed.. I have realised who i hv by my side n who jz wish to watch frm far... I dont hate them, i oli choose to stay away frm them..sometime all sum1 ned is a big big hug...n a tissue box. :)
Love,
Vatsala
Friday 10 August 2012
Post ERCP Check-up....10/08/2012
My 1st check-up aftr d M/C....if i was pregnant.. i would have been 18 weeks now.... well, time changes all... i went alone cz hubby had some work....it feels so difrnt aftr d M/C... i felt diff at every stage of TTC.. Felt diff when i first did my Fertility investigation.... then the procedure.... n then d pregnancy.... n now after the loss... been tru a long journey.... neway... im yet to reach my finishing line..
Did a scan to c if there r any retained placenta tissue.... my lining was very thin... hardly cud c d 3 lines they alwiz talk abt... am still spotting now n then... probably wen i walk o doin hse work... Womb had returned to pre-pregnancy shape...Dr.W said sorry for the loss, he said he cudnt have done much coz he had already tried his best.... I know u did Dr... He's unsure what caused the water bag to leak... probably d bump, o a weak cervix..... so as said b4, he will stitch my cervix at 3mths on my next pregnancy... asked him when shall i come again fr my FET cycle... he said i need to wait for 3 mths atleast... i asked hm, if it was 3 mnths or 3 cycle... he said 3 months is guf enug...3 cycles can go way to long...so its gona be Aug, Sept n Oct...Ill be back to c him on NOV.... hmmm..... 3 months is not as easy s d numbers seem to be.... i gota pre-occupy myslf fr these 3 mths so dat it pass by fast...So what r d things i plan to do during these 3 months...
1. Get my driving license... haha... i know wat ur thinking!! yes, im 27 n i dun hv a DL....
2. Loose sum weight.... Well, im not overweight or wat... probably ill jz go for a walk with my new ZAGORA Flares pants....2 months challenge to loose some mini fat n to fill my evenings with something productive...
3. Hubby's office work.... am glad dat i can work from home... but that comes with housework as well... hmm..so i have got some time allocated to do office work in the afternoons...
4. Plan for some vacation or babymoons!!!
5. Go for facial n spa....for once i have to start thinking abt myself... n ignore others... ive decided to be selfish for once... seriosly, its a hard earned lesson of life n attitude.
6.Lotsa prayers....
7.Get d house cleaned for Diwali...
8.To love my husband more... :).... 9 years of knowing this man... i fought, cried, cursed, laughed, cooked, cleaned n done so much for this man... n yet i will continue to do so in more years to come... ive learned, that relationship grow stronger as years pass by... in my case, it grew stronger with every problems we faced together... I would sacrifice my whole life just to make him happy coz he does d same for me... anything for u n little baby.... I think you should tell your partner how much they mean to you... sometimes we forget to say how much som1 means to us due to work n bz life...take sometime... coz u never know when they r gone n what u have missed .... time is so precious that once gone...it never comes back...
Today i feel slightly better, it feels like ive reincarnated again... So i am waiting for November to come..n bein a woman is d most beautiful thing ever on earth... Love all.... XOXO
Did a scan to c if there r any retained placenta tissue.... my lining was very thin... hardly cud c d 3 lines they alwiz talk abt... am still spotting now n then... probably wen i walk o doin hse work... Womb had returned to pre-pregnancy shape...Dr.W said sorry for the loss, he said he cudnt have done much coz he had already tried his best.... I know u did Dr... He's unsure what caused the water bag to leak... probably d bump, o a weak cervix..... so as said b4, he will stitch my cervix at 3mths on my next pregnancy... asked him when shall i come again fr my FET cycle... he said i need to wait for 3 mths atleast... i asked hm, if it was 3 mnths or 3 cycle... he said 3 months is guf enug...3 cycles can go way to long...so its gona be Aug, Sept n Oct...Ill be back to c him on NOV.... hmmm..... 3 months is not as easy s d numbers seem to be.... i gota pre-occupy myslf fr these 3 mths so dat it pass by fast...So what r d things i plan to do during these 3 months...
1. Get my driving license... haha... i know wat ur thinking!! yes, im 27 n i dun hv a DL....
2. Loose sum weight.... Well, im not overweight or wat... probably ill jz go for a walk with my new ZAGORA Flares pants....2 months challenge to loose some mini fat n to fill my evenings with something productive...
3. Hubby's office work.... am glad dat i can work from home... but that comes with housework as well... hmm..so i have got some time allocated to do office work in the afternoons...
4. Plan for some vacation or babymoons!!!
5. Go for facial n spa....for once i have to start thinking abt myself... n ignore others... ive decided to be selfish for once... seriosly, its a hard earned lesson of life n attitude.
6.Lotsa prayers....
7.Get d house cleaned for Diwali...
8.To love my husband more... :).... 9 years of knowing this man... i fought, cried, cursed, laughed, cooked, cleaned n done so much for this man... n yet i will continue to do so in more years to come... ive learned, that relationship grow stronger as years pass by... in my case, it grew stronger with every problems we faced together... I would sacrifice my whole life just to make him happy coz he does d same for me... anything for u n little baby.... I think you should tell your partner how much they mean to you... sometimes we forget to say how much som1 means to us due to work n bz life...take sometime... coz u never know when they r gone n what u have missed .... time is so precious that once gone...it never comes back...
Today i feel slightly better, it feels like ive reincarnated again... So i am waiting for November to come..n bein a woman is d most beautiful thing ever on earth... Love all.... XOXO
Tuesday 7 August 2012
Miscarriage recovery.....
Recovery has been goin on well so far.... trust me it feels really gud to write abt it...makes u feel as if some1 is listening to you... anyway.... i still cry sumtimes... i cant help it... feel so empty that little baby is not there... n dat i dun feel pregnant anymore... it makes u crazy...i try to brush it off at times... but it easy said than done.. i dun feel like talking to certain ppl or talking abt certain things.. it feels as if d body doesnt want to talk abt it o rejects listening to it..guess it part of the recovery process...
Im amazed how ppl treat u while ur in pain... they say miscarriage is a common thing and to get over it... lik i said, its easier said than done... if u think that bein in d labor room giving birth to a dead baby is normal... i am not sure what to say abt it..its a trauma.. d pain stays in d heart for lifetime...I did not losse the baby cz i din want to be pregnant.. i lost it due to an accident and i cudnt save my baby... imagine trying to keep d baby in coz its still has a heartbeat and d amniotic fluid is running low... serisly, no1 shud undergo this pain ever in their life... physical recovery could be fast perhaps.... but emotionally, its like a roller coaster... recovery include, denial, blaming other /ourselves for what happened, accepting the loss n getting prepared to try again.... i am probably in between the third n fourth stage... I am glad that i have a supporting husband.....
My aunt n mom stayed with me for a few days n prepared so medicinal food for me to hv a fast recovery... i feel cold at times, so im equipped with socks and slip in's most of d time... I dun have appetite to eat... so weightloss has been prominent. My bowel evacuation has not been smooth since i had d contraction... 2 weeks ago... i gota be on those horrible ducolux pills... i get tummy cramps due to colic at times... i am still spotting to date.. i tot it was supposed to stop in a week... probably its due to my physical activities.. I bleed more when i walk too much..
Din have much ppl coming to visit me.....among em were hubby's frens fly, my close fren loges, n rita and her sis... dats all.. none of my in laws came to visit me... well, i used to visit em....help em to cook or help em with some work when they were sick.. so i was amazed none visited me... so d lesson learned is that, every1 has their own life... we dun need to be an angel to please every1 coz , it doesnt mean anything to them... when it comes to hardtimes, ppl dun wana share it with you... they only want to be there when ur happy... ive learned to keep a distance from those ppl. Even strangers try to help in wther emotionally n spiritually... i am nt asking u to sit n cry with me... atleast a visit... Dats a wake up slap for me... Thanks god, i had to learn it d hard way...
I have to keep myself occupied for the next 3/4 mths till i cud try again... i really hope my body recovers, emotionally n physically..probably, im strong mentally...thanks to my loved ones.. so i plan to go for a holiday.. color my hair or probably perm it.. hmmm..... facial and spa... n probably loose some weight... eat healthy and get my baby making machine in top condition agn.. haha!! Neway, thanks Kak Arena... u made me feel btr... n d best part is dat ... v never met b4... ill probably gv u a hug if i c u next tm... thanks fr ur caring words... Luv ya.. TC...
My next visit wit Dr.Wong is on d 10th August 2012... i have a list of questions to ask.... will update later.. till then, may god bless all.. XOXO
Im amazed how ppl treat u while ur in pain... they say miscarriage is a common thing and to get over it... lik i said, its easier said than done... if u think that bein in d labor room giving birth to a dead baby is normal... i am not sure what to say abt it..its a trauma.. d pain stays in d heart for lifetime...I did not losse the baby cz i din want to be pregnant.. i lost it due to an accident and i cudnt save my baby... imagine trying to keep d baby in coz its still has a heartbeat and d amniotic fluid is running low... serisly, no1 shud undergo this pain ever in their life... physical recovery could be fast perhaps.... but emotionally, its like a roller coaster... recovery include, denial, blaming other /ourselves for what happened, accepting the loss n getting prepared to try again.... i am probably in between the third n fourth stage... I am glad that i have a supporting husband.....
My aunt n mom stayed with me for a few days n prepared so medicinal food for me to hv a fast recovery... i feel cold at times, so im equipped with socks and slip in's most of d time... I dun have appetite to eat... so weightloss has been prominent. My bowel evacuation has not been smooth since i had d contraction... 2 weeks ago... i gota be on those horrible ducolux pills... i get tummy cramps due to colic at times... i am still spotting to date.. i tot it was supposed to stop in a week... probably its due to my physical activities.. I bleed more when i walk too much..
Din have much ppl coming to visit me.....among em were hubby's frens fly, my close fren loges, n rita and her sis... dats all.. none of my in laws came to visit me... well, i used to visit em....help em to cook or help em with some work when they were sick.. so i was amazed none visited me... so d lesson learned is that, every1 has their own life... we dun need to be an angel to please every1 coz , it doesnt mean anything to them... when it comes to hardtimes, ppl dun wana share it with you... they only want to be there when ur happy... ive learned to keep a distance from those ppl. Even strangers try to help in wther emotionally n spiritually... i am nt asking u to sit n cry with me... atleast a visit... Dats a wake up slap for me... Thanks god, i had to learn it d hard way...
I have to keep myself occupied for the next 3/4 mths till i cud try again... i really hope my body recovers, emotionally n physically..probably, im strong mentally...thanks to my loved ones.. so i plan to go for a holiday.. color my hair or probably perm it.. hmmm..... facial and spa... n probably loose some weight... eat healthy and get my baby making machine in top condition agn.. haha!! Neway, thanks Kak Arena... u made me feel btr... n d best part is dat ... v never met b4... ill probably gv u a hug if i c u next tm... thanks fr ur caring words... Luv ya.. TC...
My next visit wit Dr.Wong is on d 10th August 2012... i have a list of questions to ask.... will update later.. till then, may god bless all.. XOXO
Wednesday 1 August 2012
It was a Boy!! Post Miscariagge / Stillbirth....
Today has been nearly a week since d deadly bump....the recovery journey has been goin on well, tho im still coping wit the emotional breakdown once in a while... I miss the baby every now and then.. i miss d hunger waves i had n sleepless nitez he kept me awake... n those little kicks whic i adore d most.... Went to Sunway Med on Sunday cz i cudnt tolerate d engorgemnt of the breast as i was lactating. My breast felt like a stone n it was so painful.... poor body din knw dat baby is gone... This time, Dr.Wong came to visit me... probly he doesnt trust others anymore after d incident...o cz i was already considered as a high risk pregnancy case... he arrived within 10 minutes the A&E staff called him...Infact he was laughing cz he din xpct me to lactate this early cz i was only 17 weeks..
He checkd n prescribed Dostinex to stop lactation n adviced to put cabbage leaves to sooth the engorgement n stop milk... He said that he tried his best... but not to worry cz i was still young... my next appmnt is on d 10th August 2012...i asked him if he saw if it was a baby boy o girl... he said yea, it was a boy... i knew it that i was carrying a boy...i hardly had any syptm n i had d pregnancy glow.. ppl hardly knw dat i was pregnant....n no vomiting... he then asked my husband if he saw d baby... i cant remembr havin my husbnd nearby me during d delivery... i saw hm standing near d door til d Dr called him to explain abt d emergency D&C cz i wasnt cooperating well with the pain while he removed d remaining bits of d placenta... Hubby said, he din c d baby cz he was more worried n cudnt stand c'ing me screaming in pain... Hubby then asked abt d remaining frozen embryo that we plan to put in anothr 3/4 months time...Dr said that they dun throw away d embryo's but we have to pay d maintenance fee on our next visit... He said, i din xpct fr u to hv so much of milk anyway u will have alot of milk when u deliver next time... i am glad cz i had always been hoping dat i will breastfeed my child...
Ive been writing letters to little baby.... it helps me calm myslf cz im still hoping that he will come back to me when i conceive d nat time... i knw d GOD up there is taking care of my little baby for ths few mnths... Mayb i will go get some things fr him n keep it... ive nt been crying too much... i just dun afford to cary cz i dun want to be weak... i need to recover so dat i could carry a baby again... Who knows, mayb the next tm little baby brings along a brother o sister with him.... I am ok if tat is what u want sayang... bt jz come back to mama ok... this tm i wont allow anything to happen to u... I love u litle baby... Lotsa hugs n Kisses...
He checkd n prescribed Dostinex to stop lactation n adviced to put cabbage leaves to sooth the engorgement n stop milk... He said that he tried his best... but not to worry cz i was still young... my next appmnt is on d 10th August 2012...i asked him if he saw if it was a baby boy o girl... he said yea, it was a boy... i knew it that i was carrying a boy...i hardly had any syptm n i had d pregnancy glow.. ppl hardly knw dat i was pregnant....n no vomiting... he then asked my husband if he saw d baby... i cant remembr havin my husbnd nearby me during d delivery... i saw hm standing near d door til d Dr called him to explain abt d emergency D&C cz i wasnt cooperating well with the pain while he removed d remaining bits of d placenta... Hubby said, he din c d baby cz he was more worried n cudnt stand c'ing me screaming in pain... Hubby then asked abt d remaining frozen embryo that we plan to put in anothr 3/4 months time...Dr said that they dun throw away d embryo's but we have to pay d maintenance fee on our next visit... He said, i din xpct fr u to hv so much of milk anyway u will have alot of milk when u deliver next time... i am glad cz i had always been hoping dat i will breastfeed my child...
Ive been writing letters to little baby.... it helps me calm myslf cz im still hoping that he will come back to me when i conceive d nat time... i knw d GOD up there is taking care of my little baby for ths few mnths... Mayb i will go get some things fr him n keep it... ive nt been crying too much... i just dun afford to cary cz i dun want to be weak... i need to recover so dat i could carry a baby again... Who knows, mayb the next tm little baby brings along a brother o sister with him.... I am ok if tat is what u want sayang... bt jz come back to mama ok... this tm i wont allow anything to happen to u... I love u litle baby... Lotsa hugs n Kisses...
Saturday 28 July 2012
16 weeks and "The End"
I lost my little baby at 16 weeks.. due to my water bag leaked into d vagina and it was irreversible despite all medical intervention... it was due to an impact cz hubbby ran over a bump on d road... not at all hs fault.. he has eye sight prob n usually if i am sitting beside hm i will look out fr d holes n bumps on d road so dat he cud slow down. d bump was a high one cz thy newly mend d road but thy have paint the yellow stripes yet... n when hubby drove over it, i felt d impact... it was like a pressure on my vagina.... i went back home n slept off ignoring d back pain...this happened around 4.30p.m n when i woke up aron 7.30p.m i had a dull pain on my back.. tot it was probably due to d bump jz nw cz i usualy hv ts backache sometime... tuk a hot shower n d pain wen off.... felt hungry n hubby said he gota go to KL so v shall eat on d way back... din have any pain in d car... then when v were driving back, felt like goin to d loo... had slight backpain n lower abdominal cramp aftr peeing... told hubby dat need to go fr a scan jz to make sure evrything was alrite... all d woman's clinic were closed so opted fr a normal GP wit ultrasound facilities.. during d ultarsound... baby was fine... kicking n HB was normal... Dr said he cudnt c any bleeding in d placenta.... n d water was enug... had cramps again when i was walking back from the clinic... when fr dinner.. n had cramps again... i cud hardly sit straight.. while driving back hm.. felt like having diarrhea cramps.. so ran into d toilet as soon s i went back hm... felt d cramps n back pain intensify after my diarhea.. slept straight on d couch n n pain goes off... when i turn to my side it comes back... hubby said just sleep it off... probably due to d bump jz nw .. i will b ok tmw.. tis tm evrytm i had d cramp i had to run to d toilet to pee... n then i hardly can walk back out... i called d sunfert careline n d nurse said if thers no bleeding u can come in tmrw morning.. otrws u can walk in into d A n E nw... I decided to go in d morning n wen to d room to sleep... aron 12.11a.m... googled abt preterm labor n found out dat my symptoms r similar... probably abt 30 mins later had d same pain cmin back again... ths is when i felt thers sometin seriosly wrong.... so hubby said let go to d hosp... i was already crying in pain during tis 30 min interval cramps...
Rushed to hospital n dr AnE dr scanned again n said baby was fine... n there was no bleeding n its nt a contraction cz otrwise it wudnt subside wit change in position... i had 2 waves of cramps again when i was in d AnE... n yet d Dr din suspect anytin wrong... called my gynea n said probably its due to food n ordered sum pain killers n proluton shots... n adviced to admit so dat he can visit me d next morn... agreed n admited myself n hubby left back home... aron 3a.m, while in d room... felt hungry n requested fr sum hot drinks so dat i can go to sleep.... after a cup of milo, wen to pee n found out that my panty was soaking wit blood... immediately alerted d nurses n asked em to call my Dr immediately.. had d cramps again durng tis tm.. dr arrived in 15mins time n scanned d baby... he said d water bag leaked into d vagina n dat my cervix is open.. n wat i tot cramps was actually contractions of d womb...he said it was a bad news in he wud try to reverse it if it possible by stopping d contractions bt d chances r very poor n transferred me to d labor room..
he scanned aron 12p.m n said d water has moved more to d vagina but has not burst yet.. baby was fine.. bt it has less water aron it... he said we wl c fr another 12 hours n c if it goes back... however my contractions started again soon aftr dat despite d medication, another scan revealed dat d membrane was already tensed n d baby's head was engaging in d cervix... he said i had to deliver d baby...
finally my water bag broke n soon later d baby was out... placenta was still intact n dr had to pull it out.. i cudnt tolerate d pain so he wanted to do an emergency D&C to clear d remaining placenta...
everything happend too fast... everytm i closed my eyes i wished i was having a nightmare... but it was all happening fr real.. i saw d baby in a glance... im so sorry baby... mama tried my best to save u... probably god loved u more than me..
probably d pain during d labor was nt as much s d pain of losing d baby... i will never want any1 , not even my enemy to go tru this kind of horror in their life... little baby was gone...i cudnt write more, its overwhelming to except d loss. I hope all those whom have conceived to bcareful while driving at any cost at all.... its nt worth losing a life .... Dr said it cud b 2 reasons... probably due to incompetent cervix n d bump was juz a co-incidence dat started d contraction o secondly it was due to d bump n d cervix open soon after dat.... n d uterus started contractng n pushed d waterbag out to d vagina... nt sure when i will come out of this... but i have to fr d sake of my husband... we mite try again after 3 months... n i wish all d best to all woman out there...
Litlle baby, u will alwiz b my first born...my little guardian angel... ur birthday will be 26th July 2012.. n i will pray every year on this day dat may u lead a happy life up there.... mama love u...appa love u... May u rst in peace ........n i still hope dat u wl come back to me..
With lots of grieve,
Mama.....
Rushed to hospital n dr AnE dr scanned again n said baby was fine... n there was no bleeding n its nt a contraction cz otrwise it wudnt subside wit change in position... i had 2 waves of cramps again when i was in d AnE... n yet d Dr din suspect anytin wrong... called my gynea n said probably its due to food n ordered sum pain killers n proluton shots... n adviced to admit so dat he can visit me d next morn... agreed n admited myself n hubby left back home... aron 3a.m, while in d room... felt hungry n requested fr sum hot drinks so dat i can go to sleep.... after a cup of milo, wen to pee n found out that my panty was soaking wit blood... immediately alerted d nurses n asked em to call my Dr immediately.. had d cramps again durng tis tm.. dr arrived in 15mins time n scanned d baby... he said d water bag leaked into d vagina n dat my cervix is open.. n wat i tot cramps was actually contractions of d womb...he said it was a bad news in he wud try to reverse it if it possible by stopping d contractions bt d chances r very poor n transferred me to d labor room..
he scanned aron 12p.m n said d water has moved more to d vagina but has not burst yet.. baby was fine.. bt it has less water aron it... he said we wl c fr another 12 hours n c if it goes back... however my contractions started again soon aftr dat despite d medication, another scan revealed dat d membrane was already tensed n d baby's head was engaging in d cervix... he said i had to deliver d baby...
finally my water bag broke n soon later d baby was out... placenta was still intact n dr had to pull it out.. i cudnt tolerate d pain so he wanted to do an emergency D&C to clear d remaining placenta...
everything happend too fast... everytm i closed my eyes i wished i was having a nightmare... but it was all happening fr real.. i saw d baby in a glance... im so sorry baby... mama tried my best to save u... probably god loved u more than me..
probably d pain during d labor was nt as much s d pain of losing d baby... i will never want any1 , not even my enemy to go tru this kind of horror in their life... little baby was gone...i cudnt write more, its overwhelming to except d loss. I hope all those whom have conceived to bcareful while driving at any cost at all.... its nt worth losing a life .... Dr said it cud b 2 reasons... probably due to incompetent cervix n d bump was juz a co-incidence dat started d contraction o secondly it was due to d bump n d cervix open soon after dat.... n d uterus started contractng n pushed d waterbag out to d vagina... nt sure when i will come out of this... but i have to fr d sake of my husband... we mite try again after 3 months... n i wish all d best to all woman out there...
Litlle baby, u will alwiz b my first born...my little guardian angel... ur birthday will be 26th July 2012.. n i will pray every year on this day dat may u lead a happy life up there.... mama love u...appa love u... May u rst in peace ........n i still hope dat u wl come back to me..
With lots of grieve,
Mama.....
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