What happened in the last 6 months??

I turned into a monster!!! Literally!! Lets ignore that part....I did my frozen cycle around Dec 2012 i guess, and it was successful. I was confirmed pregnant and was asked to come back 1 week later for scanning. In between i had terrible cramps, similar like the contraction i had during the miscarriage....rushed to Sunway again but Dr.Wong said it would be much of a help to do anything now...Its too early now and i have started bleeding. He gave me a proluton shot and advised me to be on bed-rest...came back home and laid on the bed, hoping that the pain would vanish... It just got worst...arrrgggghhh!! its like something needed to come out...so, i slowly walked to the toilet and felt a pop while i was walking... sorry TMI....and something in a size of a ping-pong ball dropped out..  No, i didnt try to catch it... i was thinking, its better now than later.. and woooosh!! All of the sudden the pain vanished... I was pretty sure the sac came out and i miscarried.. However i was supposed to go in for a scan a week later ...

During the scan on 5 weeks....Dr.Wong saw a sac still attached , but he was not very sure as there was a lot of blood clots in the womb..he said, lets give it another week and see if the baby grows... So, i dragged another week...finally, it was confirmed that the sac crumpled.... and i should stop all medication so that i will eventually miscarry naturally...Ohw ya i forgot....i saw Kak Arena for the first time on this appoinmnt..of coz it was before "the news", We never met before but she has been guiding me and been a great support in times of me being down...The NEWS??????  Well, im ok with it... having lost a baby at 4 months is much worst than ths early miscarriage... Dr.Wong said , perhaps it was not a healthy baby....even if it were to grow, mite have been abnormal. So, i went back home and waited for the miscarriage to happen.. and finally i did.. after 2 weeks i think....

Was i sad?.......No!! better now than later kan!! So another miracle happened.. i started lactating.. which i found rather amusing... well, i surfed the net of course to make sure i have got "Gang" you see... hahaha!! Anyway i did not take dostinex this time, Dr.Wong advised me to put cabbage instead... As usual!! I did another fresh cycle (Third fresh IVF), and it was a failure. Dr.Wong was more disappointed than me i guess!! Hahaha..well, me!! I just gambled and lost my money, so my next step is to try again for my frozen cycle. Also, i had milk discharge every now and then since i miscarried... so Dr.Wong had my prolactin tested and it came back 50(i forgot the unit).. well, it was high for an unpregnant woman like me.... Started me on Dostinex for 2 month course...

I cant believe how dramatic my TTC life has been , and i was thanking God for making me his entertainment... Im not sure if God actually exist , but i will be glad if he is listening or watching. Anyway, i believe in fate and determination... Hubby said, he doesnt mind if all his earnings are used for us to get a baby... haha, now that he has mentioned, i will make sure till the last penny last.. hahhahahah!!! I am sure he did not mean it literally, what he meant was that i am going trough the physical and emotional part in this journey and all he can do is to support financially and emotionally... He has been my everything....i cannot deny on that!!.. Anyway, i have moved on now...

Whats next??? If i were to get pregnant again, i will announce after 3/4 months i think... No, its not a secret.. I am not the only pregnant woman on earth anyone could think of.... But it is really irritating to answer all those people.. im sure TTC'ian would undertsand.. I mean, whether the cycle is successful or not...its more stressful to tell people its was not....what if i succeed and miscarry early...then i need to face all those whom will be asking me "how many months now" questions with "no, it did not happen as planned"... So, to be in a safe zone.. i am not telling anyone i know...know as in know lar... whom i see everyday... till i hit 4 months maybe.,(some will be exception to this rule) :P Hmmmmmph!!... anyway...i pray that all those TTC mom's out there (yes u r a mom, because there are so many woman out there whom gave birth to a baby and didnt want the baby and to be called a mom)...Dont give up... if ths doesnt work, then its that.. if that doesnt work... its this again...haha...i believe in miracle. Take care.

Love,
V@tSy..

Finally i am writing again.....with a smile.. ;-)

Helllllooooooo everyone, i am back.... with a smile... those whom thought that i was out of depression at my last post, i tell ... you were terribly wrong... i was not fully out of it till now.. now as in 2 months ago.. How do i know???

• I am not angry at GOD for having me to go trough a rough time, because i am sure he had his own plans.. which i will be glad if HE informs me firsthand somehow next time... ;-P.
• I am not angry at those whom neglected me when i needed them the most and those whom used my emotional set-downs as their opportunity to make me even miserable for their gains. It is not wrong, i understand that you were just being a human being. I take note on that. I was asking my self if i will offer a help to them again in future....The answer will be YES!!! Not because i am stupid , because i feel happy when i help others... But i will not....i repeat I WILL NOT put my happiness second to helping others.. i will do what i afford and will not push limits. I am brave enough to say sorry i had enough and walk away if others are trying to misuse my helping hands. I have learned to become reasonably selfish to an extend....
• I have learned not to judge people too quickly after having going trough hard times myself.. I listen to others more as they speak because sometimes that is all that they want.... 
• I realized that when i was depressed, i practically hated everything.... i get agitated for no reason at all.. i felt so stressed because this is not what i am.. All those negativity was because i was angry at myself for not being ME... 

 I have learned that i don't own all the problem in the world.. thank you God for that!! Thanks for giving me a wonderful husband...I need nor elaborate about it because every woman in this world is gifted in that way or other. Also, to all those TTC woman out there....dont give up!! I mean it as i say it....because i have the same pain and grief you have...but its not the end.. Love you all..