Post ERCP Check-up....10/08/2012

My 1st check-up aftr d M/C....if i was pregnant.. i would have been 18 weeks now.... well, time changes all... i went alone cz hubby had some work....it feels so difrnt aftr d M/C... i felt diff at every stage of TTC.. Felt diff when i first did my Fertility investigation.... then the procedure.... n then d pregnancy.... n now after the loss... been tru a long journey.... neway... im yet to reach my finishing line..

Did a scan to c if there r any retained placenta tissue.... my lining was very thin... hardly cud c d 3 lines they alwiz talk abt... am still spotting now n then... probably wen i walk o doin hse work... Womb had returned to pre-pregnancy shape...Dr.W said sorry for the loss, he said he cudnt have done much coz he had already tried his best.... I know u did Dr... He's unsure what caused the water bag to leak... probably d bump, o a weak cervix..... so as said b4, he will stitch my cervix at 3mths on my next pregnancy... asked him when shall i come again fr my FET cycle... he said i need to wait for 3 mths atleast... i asked hm, if it was 3 mnths or 3 cycle... he said 3 months is guf enug...3 cycles can go way to long...so its gona be Aug, Sept n Oct...Ill be back to c him on NOV.... hmmm..... 3 months is not as easy s d numbers seem to be.... i gota pre-occupy myslf fr these 3 mths so dat it pass by fast...So what r d things i plan to do during these 3 months...

1. Get my driving license... haha... i know wat ur thinking!! yes, im 27 n i dun hv a DL....
2. Loose sum weight.... Well, im not overweight or wat... probably ill jz go for a walk with my new ZAGORA Flares pants....2 months challenge to loose some mini fat n to fill my evenings with something productive...
3. Hubby's office work.... am glad dat i can work from home... but that comes with housework as well... hmm..so i have got some time allocated to do office work in the afternoons...
4. Plan for some vacation or babymoons!!!
5. Go for facial n spa....for once i have to start thinking abt myself... n ignore others... ive decided to be selfish for once... seriosly, its a hard earned lesson of life n attitude.

6.Lotsa prayers....
7.Get d house cleaned for Diwali...
8.To love my husband more... :).... 9 years of knowing this man... i fought, cried, cursed, laughed, cooked, cleaned n done so much for this man... n yet i will continue to do so in more years to come... ive learned, that relationship grow stronger as years pass by... in my case, it grew stronger with every problems we faced together... I would sacrifice my whole life just to make him happy coz he does d same for me... anything for u n little baby.... I think you should tell your partner how much they mean to you... sometimes we forget to say how much som1 means to us due to work n bz life...take sometime... coz u never know when they r gone n what u have missed .... time is so precious that once gone...it never comes back...

Today i feel slightly better, it feels like ive reincarnated again... So i am waiting for November to come..n bein a woman is d most beautiful thing ever on earth... Love all.... XOXO

Miscarriage recovery.....

Recovery has been goin on well so far.... trust me it feels really gud to write abt it...makes u feel as if some1 is listening to you... anyway.... i still cry sumtimes... i cant help it... feel so empty that little baby is not there... n dat i dun feel pregnant anymore... it makes u crazy...i try to brush it off at times... but it easy said than done.. i dun feel like talking to certain ppl or talking abt certain things.. it feels as if d body doesnt want to talk abt it o rejects listening to it..guess it part of the recovery process...

Im amazed how ppl treat u while ur in pain... they say miscarriage is a common thing and to get over it... lik i said, its easier said than done... if u think that bein in d labor room giving birth to a dead baby is normal... i am not sure what to say abt it..its a trauma.. d pain stays in d heart for lifetime...I did not losse the baby cz i din want to be pregnant.. i lost it due to an accident and i cudnt save my baby... imagine trying to keep d baby in coz its still has a heartbeat and d amniotic fluid is running low... serisly, no1 shud undergo this pain ever in their life... physical recovery could be fast perhaps.... but emotionally, its like a roller coaster... recovery include, denial, blaming other /ourselves for what happened, accepting the loss n getting prepared to try again.... i am probably in between the third n fourth stage... I am glad that i have a supporting husband.....

My aunt n mom stayed with me for a few days n prepared so medicinal food for me to hv a fast recovery... i feel cold at times, so im equipped with socks and slip in's most of d time... I dun have appetite to eat... so weightloss has been prominent. My bowel evacuation has not been smooth since i had d contraction... 2 weeks ago... i gota be on those horrible ducolux pills... i get tummy cramps due to colic at times... i am still spotting to date.. i tot it was supposed to stop in a week... probably its due to my physical activities.. I bleed more when i walk too much..

Din have much ppl coming to visit me.....among em were hubby's frens fly, my close fren loges, n rita and her sis... dats all.. none of my in laws came to visit me... well, i used to visit em....help em to cook or help em with some work when they were sick.. so i was amazed none visited me... so d lesson learned is that, every1 has their own life... we dun need to be an angel to please every1 coz , it doesnt mean anything to them... when it comes to hardtimes, ppl dun wana share it with you... they only want to be there when ur happy... ive learned to keep a distance from those ppl. Even strangers try to help in wther emotionally n spiritually... i am nt asking u to sit n cry with me... atleast a visit... Dats a wake up slap for me... Thanks god, i had to learn it d hard way...

I have to keep myself occupied for the next 3/4 mths till i cud try again... i really hope my body recovers, emotionally n physically..probably, im strong mentally...thanks to my loved ones.. so i plan to go for a holiday.. color my hair or probably perm it.. hmmm..... facial and spa... n probably loose some weight... eat healthy and get my baby making machine in top condition agn.. haha!! Neway, thanks Kak Arena... u made me feel btr... n d best part is dat ... v never met b4... ill probably gv u a hug if i c u next tm... thanks fr ur caring words... Luv ya.. TC...

My next visit wit Dr.Wong is on d 10th August 2012... i have a list of questions to ask.... will update later.. till then, may god bless all.. XOXO

It was a Boy!! Post Miscariagge / Stillbirth....

Today has been nearly a week since d deadly bump....the recovery journey has been goin on well, tho im still coping wit the emotional breakdown once in a while... I miss the baby every now and then.. i miss d hunger waves i had n sleepless nitez he kept me awake... n those little kicks whic i adore d most.... Went to Sunway Med on Sunday cz i cudnt tolerate d engorgemnt of the breast as i was lactating. My breast felt like a stone n it was so painful.... poor body din knw dat baby is gone... This time, Dr.Wong came to visit me... probly he doesnt trust others anymore after d incident...o cz i was already considered as a high risk pregnancy case... he arrived within 10 minutes the A&E staff called him...Infact he was laughing cz he din xpct me to lactate this early cz i was only 17 weeks..

He checkd n prescribed Dostinex to stop lactation n adviced to put cabbage leaves to sooth the engorgement n stop milk... He said that he tried his best... but not to worry cz i was still young... my next appmnt is on d 10th August 2012...i asked him if he saw if it was a baby boy o girl... he said yea, it was a boy... i knew it that i was carrying a boy...i hardly had any syptm n i had d pregnancy glow.. ppl hardly knw dat i was pregnant....n no vomiting... he then asked my husband if he saw d baby... i cant remembr havin my husbnd nearby me during d delivery... i saw hm standing near d door til d Dr called him to explain abt d emergency D&C cz i wasnt cooperating  well with the pain while he removed d remaining bits of d placenta... Hubby said, he din c d baby cz he was more worried n cudnt stand c'ing me screaming in pain... Hubby then asked abt d remaining frozen embryo that we plan to put in anothr 3/4 months time...Dr said that they dun throw away d embryo's but we have to pay d maintenance fee on our next visit... He said, i din xpct fr u to hv so much of milk anyway u will have alot of milk when u deliver next time... i am glad cz i had always been hoping dat i will breastfeed my child... 

Ive been writing letters to little baby.... it helps me calm myslf cz im still hoping that he will come back to me when i conceive d nat time... i knw d GOD up there is taking care of my little baby for ths few mnths... Mayb i will go get some things fr him n keep it... ive nt been crying too much... i just dun afford to cary cz i dun want to be weak... i need to recover so dat i could carry a baby again... Who knows, mayb the next tm little baby brings along a brother o sister with him.... I am ok if tat is what u want sayang... bt jz come back to mama ok... this tm i wont allow anything to happen to u... I love u litle baby... Lotsa hugs n Kisses...

16 weeks and "The End"

I lost my little baby at 16 weeks.. due to my water bag leaked into d vagina and it was irreversible despite all medical intervention... it was due to an impact cz hubbby ran over a bump on d road... not at all hs fault.. he has eye sight prob n usually if i am sitting beside hm i will look out fr d holes n bumps on d road so dat he cud slow down. d bump was a high one cz thy newly mend d road but thy have paint the yellow stripes yet... n when hubby drove over it, i felt d impact... it was like a pressure on my vagina.... i went back home n slept off ignoring d back pain...this happened around 4.30p.m n when i woke up aron 7.30p.m i had a dull pain on my back.. tot it was probably due to d bump jz nw cz i usualy hv ts backache sometime... tuk a hot shower n d pain wen off.... felt hungry n hubby said he gota go to KL so v shall eat on d way back... din have any pain in d car... then when v were driving back, felt like goin to d loo... had slight backpain n lower abdominal cramp aftr peeing... told hubby dat need to go fr a scan jz to make sure evrything was alrite... all d woman's clinic were closed so opted fr a normal GP wit ultrasound facilities.. during d ultarsound... baby was fine... kicking n HB was normal... Dr said he cudnt c any bleeding in d placenta.... n d water was enug... had cramps again when i was walking back from the clinic... when fr dinner.. n had cramps again... i cud hardly sit straight.. while driving back hm.. felt like having diarrhea cramps.. so ran into d toilet as soon s i went back hm... felt d cramps n back pain intensify after my diarhea.. slept straight on d couch n n pain goes off... when i turn to my side it comes back... hubby said just sleep it off... probably due to d bump jz nw .. i will b ok tmw.. tis tm evrytm i had d cramp i had to run to d toilet to pee... n then i hardly can walk back out... i called d sunfert careline n d nurse said if thers no bleeding u can come in tmrw morning.. otrws u can walk in into d A n E nw... I decided to go in d  morning n wen to d room to sleep... aron 12.11a.m... googled abt preterm labor n found out dat my symptoms r similar... probably abt 30 mins later had d same pain cmin back again... ths is when i felt thers sometin seriosly wrong.... so hubby said let go to d hosp... i was already crying in pain during tis 30 min interval cramps...

Rushed to hospital n dr AnE dr scanned again n said baby was fine... n there was no bleeding n its nt a contraction cz otrwise it wudnt subside wit change in position... i had 2 waves of cramps again when i was in d AnE... n yet d Dr din suspect anytin wrong... called my gynea n said probably its due to food n ordered sum pain killers n proluton shots... n adviced to admit so dat he can visit  me d next morn... agreed n admited myself n hubby left back home... aron 3a.m, while in d room... felt hungry n requested fr sum hot drinks so dat i can go to sleep.... after a cup of milo, wen to pee n found out that my panty was soaking wit blood... immediately alerted d nurses n asked em to call my Dr immediately.. had d cramps again durng tis tm.. dr arrived in 15mins time n scanned d baby... he said d water bag leaked into d vagina n dat my cervix is open.. n wat i tot cramps was actually contractions of d womb...he said it was a bad news in he wud try to reverse it if it possible by stopping d contractions bt d chances r very poor n transferred me to d labor room..  

he scanned aron 12p.m n said d water has moved more to d vagina but has not burst yet.. baby was fine.. bt it has less water aron it... he said we wl c fr another 12 hours n c if it goes back... however my contractions started again soon aftr dat despite d medication, another scan revealed dat d membrane was already tensed n d baby's head was engaging in d cervix... he said i had to deliver d baby...

finally my water bag broke n soon later d baby was out... placenta was still intact n dr had to pull it out.. i cudnt tolerate d pain so he wanted to do an emergency D&C to clear d remaining placenta...

everything happend too fast... everytm i closed my eyes i wished i was having a nightmare... but it was all happening fr real.. i saw d baby in a glance... im so sorry baby... mama tried my best to save u... probably god loved u more than me..

probably d pain during d labor was nt as much s d pain of losing d baby... i will never want any1 , not even my enemy to go tru this kind of horror in their life... little baby was gone...i cudnt write more, its overwhelming to except d loss. I hope all those whom have conceived to bcareful while driving at any cost at all.... its nt worth losing a life .... Dr said it cud b 2 reasons... probably due to incompetent cervix n d bump was juz a co-incidence dat started d contraction o secondly it was due to d bump n d cervix open soon after dat.... n d uterus started contractng n pushed d waterbag out to d vagina... nt sure when i will come out of this... but i have to fr d sake of my husband... we mite try again after 3 months... n i wish all d best to all woman out there...

Litlle baby, u will alwiz b my first born...my little guardian angel... ur birthday will be 26th July 2012.. n i will pray every year on this day dat may u lead a happy life up there.... mama love u...appa love u... May u rst in peace ........n i still hope dat u wl come back to me..

With lots of grieve,
Mama.....

15 weeks and little flutters...

Hmmm... felt like d litle baby ws kicking.... hmmm...nt sure la.. bcz tis d first tm i feel it kan... bet anyway.. feels like sumtin popping .....mayb like bowel movement.... hmm... nt sure... but its constant....spcly aftr food.. u noty baby!!! am sure ur so uncomfortable cz mama is alwiz eating.. hahha.. poor baby...

Fear...

Hubby came back home today n told me dat one of hs frens wife miscaried at 20 weeks... n tetiba teringat one of my kazin sis yg miscaried at 18 weeks n 24 weeks .. tis is so scary... one of my blog fren was admitted to undrgo cervical cerclage... oh god ... y do we have to go tru all tis... n some of them can have 15 kids non stop those days n having to wrk really hard to make money.... n on d otr side... we have to spend so much money to have a baby n total bed rest cz of d high risk pregnancy....I really hope my litlle baby is fine n healthy inside....

N my new discovery dat my hubby mite b a thalassemia gene carrier.... hmmmm...... hes suffering frm mild anemia.... thank god u did d bloodtest aby... nw i gota make sure that im nt a carrier as well... otrwise i cud b in d high risk group as well.... i muz tell tis 2 d dr on my next visit...

13 weeks and insomia..

Finally i have entered my second trimester... little i had faith dat i will reach ts far.. thanks to d all mighty god's blessings. I still have headache wic is managable wit 500mg of panadol.... i hardly had headache all ts years... probably 2/3 times a year... n nw it seem like a daily routine.. n my sleep patern is haywire.. thank god im nt working... so i can doze off any time during d day o nite..nothing seem to help me sleep... nt sure wat to blame... d calcium supplements o my hormones... d only thing worked so far was shopping... hmmm.. takkanla wana go shopping everyday kan!! n d best part is dat my husband mimics all my symptom... bt i think he has it at worst cz he feels like vomiting evry morning, headache, hungry all d tm , insomnias  n d growing belly... hahaha.... Cauvade symptom.... so funny.. Mayb sebab i once told him dat some husband's will have phantoms pregnancy wen d wife is pregnant... then he terus have all d symptoms... man r so funny... anyway, id b glad if he is willing to tc of d baby at night after d baby is born wt hs fake pregnancy n i can get my beauty sleep.... hahahhaha!!

Baby was fine during d scan... had d down syndrome test n nuchal scan ts time... during d scan, d sonographer looks fr d space at d back of d neck... it shudnt b more than 3mm.. nt sure mm ke cm....mine was less than 1.25..anyway, baby was bz positioning itself sebab uncomfortable... kept moving d neck dat d sonographer had to wait fr sm tm... n moving its hands n legs as usual... such a joy to luk at these on screen. Dr said baby is developing well n healthy. he also started me on some calcium supp n neurogain (DHA n EPA) fr baby's optimal growth. I asked him several common Q during pregnancy like, can i travel? Can v b together again? Can i resume doin housework?(wic i already started long ago).... he said sure.. go ahead.. hehhehe... Also had informed him about a small patch of rash on my tummy n my headache.. he asked me to take 2 tab of panadol n asked me to do light exercise for my insomnia... n take lotsa rest. n hubby had to interrupt n say dat d only thing im doin at home is resting...bla bla bla....then whose doin all d hse work n cooking fr u baby?? hmmm.... i only gained abt 200grm tis tm... wic is very unlikely bcz im alwiz eating.. d only thing dat constantly keeps me goin is food.. i eat every 2 hours... hmmmm.... hope i dun put too much of baby weight...neway,,,, baby, mama luv u... till then tc ait...c u on 17th week checkup ok....mwah!!!

P/s: Mama started to do a baby journal of u..... nt as elaborate as these blogs... perhaps more personalized fr my little baby.. :p

12 weeks n still hungry!!!

Im almost 3 mnths now!! am glad dat d waiting period is finally over.. bt guess i shud take things easy fr d next 2 o 3 mnths...Hubby went to China on business purpose n im left rotting at my mother in law's hse... So dead bored dat i ended up cleaning d hse junks.. saw sum frozen lizards dead in d freezer.. poor guys!! din bring enug cloths fr teir vacation... hahaha!!!

Anyway, i was telling my husband d other day dat i cud feel d heartbeat of d baby wen i put my palms on my tummy....n tol him to feel it.. he said he cant feel anything... hmmm!!! Im probably hallucinating.. o probably im rite n he is wrong..

I am still hungry for d time being... but i need not wake up in d middle of d night to grab sumtin to eat... no cravings.. i like variety of food.. but in small quantities.. maybe i just nibble a little of each... started drinking Anmum... i think Choc flavor tastes btr than d original.. yuks!!! I have headache now and then... eventho i soak my head wt minyak cap kapak... i need to grab those panadols... read it on d bet dat its safe to take panadols during pregncy....but its my savior.. i also hv some swollen feet... nt too much bt i cud c d swelling... hmmm... n my baby bumb is shwin already... thanks 2 d massive food ive been eating... ok vats, u shud really stop eating... n d next minute im digging sumtin to eat.. haiz!!!

i din c my little baby fr 2 weeks already... my ceckup is nex wek...ok baby, mama will c u soon.. till then mama will send lotsa hugs n kisses to u....